“And now we welcome the new year, full of things that have never been.” — Rainer Maria Rilke
“You can never cross the ocean until you dare to lose sight of the shore.” — Swahili proverb

First days are charged with polarised feelings of excitement or dread. The worst is when both these feelings happen one after the other. A dopamine spike followed by cortisol.

A feeling of Yessssss, I feel good!!Followed by a Nooooo, what am I doing???

The yo-yo effect of walking into the office full of expectation, only to realize that you won’t be jiving or chumming up with colleagues who are too young, too old, or too something else to make a first day easy. That’s enough to allow the cortisol to settle in. You don’t fully notice until later, when you meet up with your friends at the end of the day. They are still looking for jobs so you try to brighten things up, but the dopamine spike feels like its gone for good. You tell yourself little stories for an adrenaline rush, just enough to convince your mates that you’ve had a good first day. You open your mouth and the truth pops out. You were never a good liar.

To your surprise, you discover your mates are relieved. You realize your low is their high. It makes them feel better considering the time its taking to find work. One of them even decides, on the spot, that their future is in self employment.

Something happens inside. A freeze effect kicks in. Your toes start feeling numb. You feel slightly elevated, as if lifted out of your skin. You enter something like a dream state that transports you into the future of tomorrow. Will it be a better day, or will you have to relive the cold, impersonal, awkwardness of today and now?

You feel slightly sick in your stomach and you swallow intensely. The celebratory drink you ordered runs down your throat like a waterfall and you suddenly feel bloated. You look at the time, thank your friends for meeting up, and you get ready to catch your train. It will be an early start in the morning, and you don’t want to be late. The adrenaline is working.

The cold wind blows in your face and you come out of your dream state. You remark to yourself how wonderful the cold air feels. Without effort, you begin to feel content. You start to grasp the reality of what having a job means for you. Thank goodness, its finally happened.

You yo-yo in and out of that dream state as you contemplate which stepping stones will lead you to a life- long career, and you check the platform number for your train. You mustn’t get off too early or too late.

You come out of your excitement and look around you. Its like the office again, cold, indifferent. Nobody knows you here. Nobody knows you in the office either.

At least not yet.